The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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