seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I am one with the molecules
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
