I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
