Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
