so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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