Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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