have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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