i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize