I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
