so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
