Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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