The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize