hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
