3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You don't make any sense
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