i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
