Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
