If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
