Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
