how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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