I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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