its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
