lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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