I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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