my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize