I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
they need to just BURY HIM!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
