I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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