literally had 100 drinks last night.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My balls are so social today.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize