it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
