i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
