I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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