Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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