fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
