On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
