i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
