Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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