I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
