she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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