I met the friendliest cop last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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