they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
