i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
