Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
