a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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