did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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