listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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