My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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