I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
