Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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