All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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