i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
