For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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