well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Green mimosas i think yes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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