I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
