dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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