I just pynch a tree in the face
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
3pm strippers are depressing
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
