she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
