I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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