somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
