I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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