I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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